Sunday, January 21, 2018

Where does the time go?

I wish I had excuse as to why I have been so inactive on my blogs. Others because my laptop isn't in the greatest condition and I'm not the kind of guy who logs onto a PC on a daily basis. This one because of that and also because I didn't want to admit I had failed in my health. I was around 285-295 consistently in High School, I thought I had it all figured out with taking a gym class and not having to worry too much about my weight except for the soda consumption and additional exercise before/after school. I was arrogant and wrong.

It's January 21st, 2018 and I'm twenty-four years old weighing in (as of this morning) as 322 lbs. I told myself I'd never go over 300 lbs and I'd do what I had to in order to keep that goal. I carry a lot of weight in my chest/stomach and that's not good. I have a large stomach. I have large thighs. I want to change this but a lot has been going on in my life.

My father passed away from heart complications July 24th, 2016. A year passed and it didn't get any easier for me. I had so much regret and so much anger inside from his passing. I gave up on everything at that point, especially my health. I don't want to have health problems, especially not heart problems, but how can I not when its in my family history and I don't care anymore what my health is like?

I'm single as well. Nobody for me to call or to call me babe. That's okay, I still have my self worth. I realized one thing after high school, everyone in High School is a bad person. Maybe not everyone but if you're in or out of high school, you know what I mean. A group of people or a certain person is in your head right now. People who make it look easy and call you out for being overweight. It's a struggle more for some than others.

I really wish I had taken better care of myself after high school but I didn't, I failed myself. Yet dating is hard as an adult. Everyone is secretly shallow but totally accepting on the outside. You send someone a DM after taking the time to read their lengthy profile to get zero replies and the ones who reply aren't exactly there for the same reasons as you. It's pretty BS if I do say so myself. What happened to getting to know someone before making an assumption? Does face to face not happen anymore? Of the woman I've spoken too in person, not at all associated with online prior, none of them have kept in touch. Of the woman I've spoken with online, specifically those who met me in person, none are still talking to me, but they'll stay in my contacts or watch my Snapchat stories. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD?

There is someone who I'm really into though, been that way for going on two years, but the line between friendship and dating is more like a fog on a dark road. You'll see the end, eventually, if you keep driving and even get to the other road, but is it safe to drive in a fog that hard to see in? Your health matters in dating. Hypothetically speaking, my date is going to see my weight and ask if it's smart to engage in a relationship with someone who hasn't taken care of themselves properly. They're going to weigh that with how funny or smart I am, if I'm a good conversationalist, how political I am, and if my views are aligned with theirs. There are all these factors but weight and health especially matter.

I am fat and I know that. However I am not ashamed of that. I learned after high school, as I said earlier, that everyone was a bad person. Those people we picture in our mind that made high school a bad experience, they made me feel worthless. I was depressed almost every day of the week and I never saw myself as "worth it" when I looked in the mirror. I was going through the motions and I was in no way popular or important, as far as high school appearances go.

When I graduated and I had time to myself again, time to figure out what I wanted to do with life, or not do, I began to notice it was my environment making me depressed and feel worthless. I can proudly say that I gained such a high level of self confidence. People see that and it brings a high level of energy to the room. I'm a genuinely happy guy.

Since my dads passing in 2016 though, while I'm still confident in myself, I am incredibly sad. I had so many things I wanted my dad to be a part of in my life. Most importantly was for him to see me become successful. I lived on my own for a year but then moved back home, I had a girlfriend here or there but nothing that was long term. I wanted my dad to be a part of my life after being raised. I'll never get that now. I am religious and I prayed and cried out to God but to no avail. I knew before I cried out to God that he wasn't bringing my dad back, that he wouldn't save him when I was in the hospital room holding my dads hand. When I was on the floor crying uncontrollably, my dads cold hand in mine, not daring to let it go in fear of never feeling my dads skin again, I felt this sadness, larger than I had ever felt before.

I had felt depression and darkness and had gone so close to the edge, I was gone from this earth already, but this sadness was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was like I was in cold water, surrounded by moist elongated arms that wrapped around me from every direction and paralyzed me. I was beneath the water but breathing, just crying and weeping, my eyes closed so as to see darkness while I felt everything around me at half the speed. It was absolute horror. I don't remember anything from after. Nothing mattered anymore, nobody mattered. Not even I mattered anymore.

Reflecting on that a year and a half later, I see that's a big factor in my weight gain. I cant control what's happened to those in my life but I can control what's happening to me. I just wanted to be healthy and happy, married and living in a home. Hosting Christmas for my parents and having family and friends come over. Making and sharing memories with those in my life I care for. Instead I am living with my mom in her trailer helping her with the bills since my dads income is gone, weighing more than I ever wanted to and driving farther than I want for work.

Life isn't fair but it's not meant to be, you learn that from the beginning so being so naïve as to believe it will be is your own fault. So here I am.

January 21st, 2018
Twenty-four years old.
322 lbs.

I acknowledge this and accept the challenge I gave myself when I gained this weight. I will lose it, fix my body, fix my life and live on for my dad, to make this life the best it can be.

This is the rebirth of my journey. Let's do it together.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

I can't believe I'm LITERALLY addicted!

Hello readers, last night I realized something pretty bad. It turns out I'm addicted to Dr. Pepper. I went a whole day without drinking any (I'd had it every day for weeks now) and I, literally, began having an attack when I realized we didn't have any at home.

I'm broke, I have no money, but I had to beg my mom to buy me some, which thankfully she did. She told me it was wrong to drink Dr. Pepper like you should be drinking water, but I can't help it, I need Dr. Pepper to get me through a day!

As for my weight, well I haven't weighed myself lately and I haven't done anything to help keep the weight off, so that pretty much answers that: I'm doing squat. It sounds bad, because I'd love to be skinny before I'm out of college, but it's just not seeming to want to happen.

Side note: I started college this past Tuesday and it's not half bad. I enjoy it!

Well that's all the update I have for you. I will need to work on my addiction and hopefully have better news in my  next post!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Back on Water...again.

I don't know what happened to me, but I went from my "water only" diet to drinking pop all the time again. Man, it's hard to stop something you love. But for the past 3 or 4 weeks, I've drank nothing but water. 

Well, that's not entirely true.

I had some fresh squeezed lemonade this week, because it was where I work and I had never had any before. Turns out I love it!! 

In doses.

I can't drink lemonade strait for a day, so I went back to water, but that aside, I've been on my "water only" diet for around a month now and it's working out great. Not drinking soda has been hard though. Really, really, super really, hard. Legit, when there are $.69 cent drinks at QT and pop where I work, it's hard to resist, but I've stayed strong and been drinking the water only.

I'm hoping that this will give me the energy to eventually do something productive with my butt like go out and jog or maybe jump rope!! I don't know exactly, but I know something will happen and when push comes to shove, I'll throw my butt out the door and do something exercise related.

Maybe I can find someone to play tennis with. Perhaps not. It all depends, really.

This is a specific challenge in itself for me since I've been addicted to Dr. Pepper and couldn't NOT drink it. I honestly almost slipped today too. I was SO CLOSE to drinking some soda, but I grabbed a water and drank that instead. PHEW! It was a close call.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have for  you now, I'll keep you updated on how things go and if I can weigh myself, that too!

Monday, July 2, 2012

New Goals for summer

Okay, I'm back with a renewed confidence. A lot has happened since school ended and I graduated high school (woot woot!), but nothing weight loss related. Until now. When I post this blog!

Okay, to start off, I am going to say that I've been a lazy couch potatoe and I can't believe I'm letting all my progress slide down the drain. It really sucks to see that my movitivation was forced upon me through school curiculum. It's sad and I feel bad about it, but it's just part of my personality, I guess.

Or not. I'm not sure.

But regardless, I need to stop being lazy and go out and do something about it. No worries, I will become a super charged, buff, extra awesome dude and look super sexy for Christmas... in 2050, maybe. Haha, I'm just kidding. I'll get my butt in gear and start doing something.

I just wanted to post this quick update.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Last day of high school

It's make it or break it at this point. I either have to have the motivation or stay fat forever. Trust me, I've thought hard about if I would have the drive to go out that door and walk, jog, or do any physically helpful activity and to be honest, I think I can do it.

Maybe I'll need a little more drive than before, but let's think about it. I will have the 8 hours I was at school to myself now. I can either work more or go out and take a jog/walk around my neighborhood. Trust me, I can do that and sleep in too! I know I can, I just have to believe in myself.

As for motivation, let's just say I want to do this for myself, as I have always wanted too.  I just hope the summer opens up some blessings for me, y'know? I wanna kick this extra weight and have a transformation! I know that that'll only happen with effort and laying off the snacks, which is SO HARD for me.

To be totally honest with you, I haven't changed my eating habits and I could only stay away from pop for around a month before I went back and drank it like water again. I failed. But I didn't stop. I'm really going to try over the summer to be a better person and break that habit.

Hopefully my next post will have a better update.